Christmas blues

It is Christmas Eve (alright some friends like Simone have already begun Christmas in Hong Kong and Mary Lew and Charis will have to wait HOURS and HOURS in California) and I should be doing something more profitable with my time than FaceBook and blogs. However dear reader, as you can see, I have in fact decided that blogging is the appropriate and brain numbing activity at least for the next few moments. Not that I have forgotten you of course, you are frequently on my mind, it is just that, as I have remarked before, FB is so instant that it takes all the bon mots and I have no time for considered thought before moving on to the next post. Talking of post, don't the post people seem to be getting younger along with the baby faced police persons who are also getting shorter.
The snow has gone, the ice remains and the wind is bitter as we prepare to set off for the midnight service. Actually it is 11.30 service and over by 00.15 (sorry Michael) - even the services seem to be shorter. I remember, I remember way back when - one carols by candlelight rather than midnight communion when I was head acolyte, leaning back during the sermon and setting myself alight on one of the candles. #Elf and Safety would no longer permit, even Christingle globes have to be battery operated now.
"we need a cauliflour" - the cry went up in the kitchen on Christmas Eve. Waitrose had shut early, M&S was shut, Iceland was shut, Tesco had run out so praises to the little "Ind***n" round the corner who sold me his last one and some broccoli to boot - mind you it did look as if someone had booted it but I am sure it will cook up nicely.
Boys to Christmas dinner tomorrow which will be nice before they each disappear to their corners with new electronic games or whatever else SC may have brought. Harking back to my old profession that Sat Nav just might come in handy. An imposter came around the other night on a trailer hitched to the back of a car. I didn't like to comment on his professional shortcomings but not a reindeer in sight - no street cred these modern santas. I was asked to reprise my greatest hour for the guys in the office but politely declined - somehow the gloss has gone, or maybe it is just the beard that tickles
"Snow had fallen, snow on snow" - actually it was a pensioner who had fallen but she managed to restore herself and hobble off before I could offer assistance
Not many Christmas carols around this year, just the incessant jingles in all the shops - that Rudolph has a lot to answer for. Anyway I always say Carol is for life not just for Christmas and I am sure Mike agrees
'Tis the season to be jolly - until the credit card bills come in and VAT goes up
But all this loses sight of the real meaning of Christmas and the reason we are still up long past our bedtime to trek out into the icy blast to join with others to celebrate the birth of our Saviour
Happy Christmas to one and all and may God bless you in 2011

Hello world

why is it that I just couldn't be bothered to blog for the last six weeks or so? Lack of anything interesting to say, or lack of support from my willing reader, too many other things to do or just plain laziness. I will leave you, dear reader, to make up your own mindThere are things that bring you back to the blogosphere and the BBC Radio 4 howler this morning is something I just had to bring to a wider audience who may not have been up at 6.00 this morning or perhaps listening to some other radio station or even the TV. Anyway, there was an item about repairs to Roman statues that have been ordered by Sylvio Berlusconni including a new penis for Eros. This is apparently also detachable, a thought that may well bring tears to the eyes. The real crunch however when the continuity announcer said at the end of the piece "thank you to our correspondent David Willy" Definitely a contribution for the News Quiz me thinks.Long Bored meeting this afternoon (over 5 hours, what do they find to talk about?). We were discussing high staff turnover and the Chair said "should we be looking for a new CEO?" I asked if that was wishful thinking on his part and he said no - nice to know I am still appreciated. No one else understands the accounts so I suppose they have to keep me around at least until after the AGM (Stanley if you read this at least now they add up!)Now to cheer you up. When I was drafting my diary for the staff team this morning I realised it is only 5 weeks to Christmas. Not a present bought, not a card written. For the first time in years I think I know what I want but haven't the faintest idea what to get the others. Bearing mind my previous occupation, how's that for professional negligenceI have said before that FB has been the death of blogging, will tweet be the death of FB I wonder. CC is having a rest and AL is having a rest, how many other people giving up on FB?SAT can always be relied on to fly the flag and make me laugh even when she is in a blue mood
Just to prove the state I am in I realise that I posted this on the wrong blog first time round. Additional coincidence, it is exactly a year since I made the same mistake!

chocolate potatoes

We had just finished a spicy carbonara (one of my specialities) and I went to make the chocolate sauce to have with the chocolate sponge I had cooked but wasn't really paying attention. Tesco custard powder used to come in a yellow and red container with a red lid. Well that's easy and I am not likely to confuse that with the gravy which is in an all red container. So I picked the container out of the cupboard and was ready to spoon the powder into the jug to add the boiling milk when I realised it didn't look right. No one told me that custard now comes in a green and yellow container but SMASH still comes in red and yellow. Not that we use ready made mashed potato, it came from bodybuilder's cupboard and was approaching use by date, but I wonder what chocolate flavoured mashed potato would have tasted like. Any volunteers wanting to try for themselves I will send the rest of the tin to you.
I am not sure how that sums up the last couple of weeks but they do seem to have consisted almost entirely of some near misses and some downright disasters. The Greeks has stolen some of the more imaginative elves and the highest paid gardener in Lapland has won an award and got lots of publicity which he didn't deserve, but it's too late now. (Pedantic readers please note the apostrophe in the correct place).
So, Red Ed is the new Labour leader and delight of delights the title of the Great Blair's memoirs translates to Fahrt in German, or so I am reliably informed. I see that he appears to have donned Harry Potter's invisibility cloak again whilst the Middle East talks are going on - how much is he supposed to be earning to wave his magic wand over the Israel/Palestine issue? However this is NOT a political blog so please regard these comments as an abberation rather the expected norm. Where would we be if Santa had to be politically correct or worry about Elf and Safety (sorry couldn't resist that one - new readers go back about 2 years for an explanation).
Next Sunday is rather special for us and unfortunately we will not make it to our usual church service which is a pity as Elaine Storkey is coming to speak. Elaine was very good to us both during a difficult time several years ago and it would have been good to spend time with her again. It is the harvest festival so my advice Pat is to listen carefully.
Mrs Claus is now a great aunt - woo hoo - as I believe she would say. I am concerned that it may be affecting her in some way as she has begun to go round taking photographs of people's beds on her phone
The Gretna guys seem to be doing well, not sure exactly where they are at presently but I guess all will become clear in the fullness of time. The quiet man has however been far from quiet and seems to be becoming a major part of life again. It all makes for a very full world and not even a mention of crises at work and out of work
more cheer next time and maybe less cryptic clues
good luck blessed one

STRESSSSSSS

Stressed with a capital STR. You know that feeling when you have work piling up, a catalogue of crises and one or two personal issues - and you just can't get on with ANY of them - well that's me at the moment. If you do know that state of affairs then you have my sympathy and if you don't I pray you never will. Somehow it sours even the good things in life when you feel you shouldn't be doing the thing you enjoy or spending time looking at the thing you enjoy, you should be GETTING ON and sorting out the problems. Instead you just keep putting everything off because you haven't got the energy to start or it is just too big to know where to begin. What was the point of going on that time management course? - everything seems to have got much worse since then
Anyway, if I have not made you all suicidal, what about the happier things in life. Went picking blackberries yesterday and with windfall apples made an enourmous crumble. Not content with that I made a chocolate cake but too much icing and then when I was trying to put the top layer on dropped the lot. Mrs Claus was so sympathetic she almost cracked a rib laughing. I won't let her eat any - that will show her. Those of you familiar with her FB page will know that she claims to have forsworn chocolate (at least for the time being), so just Hugh and me then - yummy.
I washed bodybuilder's car - why do I have to wash HIS car? and then I washed my car. Jetski Boy's car remains dirty but I have to draw the line somewhere. In the dirt on his windscreen I suppose. Actually I have been cheating and taking Bodybuilder's car to work so it is only fair really that I give it a wash. With it's larger engine and specially modified exhaust it does make a lovely sound in the country lanes as I am avoiding the M25 and even better when I go through the two tunnels on the way home.
Washing up calls - are Santa's chores never done?
try to be more cheerful next time if any of you have the stamina to stay with me. AT knows a good walk on WB would soon sort me out

Not good enough

If I have to sit through another board meeting like that I shall probably give up. I have been telling them for weeks and now it is "not good enough", "must do better", "unacceptable"and "have it done by..... or else". All that and I didn't even get a sandwich, they kept them all on their table and didn't pass any over to my desk. Just as well I had helped myself to a couple when setting out their lunch then. Coronation chicken, BLT, Chicken and bacon melt, warm sausage rolls, fresh fruit and doughnuts - you would have thought they might be a bit grateful. And you wonder why I only get the chance to blog once a month. There are of course other distractions like the three new blackberries I arranged for the managers (at no extra cost) when I rolled over the contract. Just a few problems setting them up, like now I have two blackberries that don't work instead of just one but I am assured that these are just teething problems.
Normally I like to keep you amused in my irregular blogs but it is difficult to see the sunny side of life at times at the moment. I could regale you with my brush with sniffer dogs, or the fortune I have had to spend to keep jetski boy and bodybuilder's cars on the road, or even post the photo Mrs Claus took of me sunbathing under a travel rug, getting the sun but keeping out the cold north wind.
I suppose you think I am just after the sympathy vote and you would of course be right, I just need a couple of successes, things to go right first time to set me on my feet again.
Jetski boy has surpassed himself by completing the three peaks challenge in just over 26 hours (target time 24) and is now under canvas at the V Festival (tickets were a birthday present as he leaves his teens). Perhaps I am not as old as I thought, I recognised at least 30% of the bands playing but probably wouldn't have liked ANY of them
If in doubt, take it out on the ivy, that's my motto. It grows so fast up the fences and across the roof of the building that houses the sleighs that I an spend an hour chopping and hacking and make virtually no difference at all. Our neighbour takes a hedge trimmer to it but that only encourages it to grow faster. If we could eat ivy then we wouldn't need to grow any different vegetables, shame it is poisonous.
Miserable old toad this time aren't I? maybe more light hearted next time, you will just have to wait and see

welcome back

Dear reader, I would quite understand if you had lost all faith in me and felt that I had abandonned you completely - it is 6 whole weeks since I last blogged. I could claim "Fab Al Diaries not responding" which is the sort of message I seem to get continually every time I turn my home computer on (and for some reason my Trustees get upset if they find me blogging at work).
However, if truth be told, it is the immediacy and ephemeral nature of FaceBook that continues to tempt me away. A quick post here and a quick post there, the odd photo (some very odd) and catch up with everybody's news, somehow there is never time for the more considered art of blogging. The quick fix, as exemplified by FB, is the curse of the modern world. No one seems to have time to take care or concern, the days of the craftsman (or craftswoman if I am being pc [that is politically correct not personal computer]) seem to have passed by and the rule of the day is non servicable parts and repairs that are alleged to cost more than replacement. Replacement of course means buying something that is a different colour, or shinier than the thing that has just broken, costs only a few pounds more (or even less) and will last an even shorter time than the useless lump of metal and plastic you are probably holding as you stand before the sales person (see I got it right that time [if you can really be bothered to care about such niceties])
FB has its many advantages, not least increasing the number of people you feel you know, including some you have never met and may never meet and others who you may come to know less and less as you commune electronically with their avatar. We all had imaginary friends when we were young, some of us still keep these friends well into middle and later age - the only sensible relationships we may have and sadly more enduring than many real time ones.
Where is all this meandering going you might well ask and with good reason as I have rather lost the thread myself but it does bring me into the world of Sat Nav - yes there is a connection
We have a virtual friend, Mrs Claus and I, who we shall refer to as ****** as that is her name. In fact this is an electronic menage a cinq as we are also friends with **** who is ******'s pet and very friendly with reindeer Hugh. Some of you may remember that we converted pixels to reality earlier in the year when we went to see ****** and *** at their house near the sea. The first visit was a great, if sometimes misunderstood, success and ****** agreed it would be worth risking a second visit
Bodybuilder being away for a while I decided to use his Sat Nav since I had never used one before. The twisted logic that says why don't you use a navigation aid to help you get somewhere you already know how to get to was kicking in. This electronic aid and I had a reasonably civil relationship with mild disagreement about which way to go and one near miss when, fortunately, I had already made the correct turning before the female voice with which it is endowed bothered to tell me that I should be doing something. With scarcely a heated word we had successully got within less than a mile of our destination and entered a small complex of streets where such guidance as can be expected from a mapping aid would be really useful, when her poor electronic circuits went into meltdown, swiftly followed by my own. At least once I could actually see the house we were going to whilst she was frantically sending me in the opposite direction - "left, left, right", silence whilst you pass three streets including the one you should have gone down then"recalculating" by which time I had thankfully parked outside our destination. I am reminded of the scene from Three Men in a Boat (I think) when one of the party sat down on a bench in Hampton Court Maze and decided to wait for the other two to come round again since he was convinced that the bench and previously spotted bun had been passed on several prior occassions
There were other things, important matters, that had been floating round my brain to talk to you about but like all ephemera they have flitted on, perhaps to be recalled and shared with you at a later date
If you want to see how our visit with ****** and *** went then look on my or Hugh's FB pages. If you are not already a friend perhaps you would like to become one and we might even come and visit you one day.
On the other hand, if you are already a friend and are no seriously asking yourself why than thank you for your friendship to date at least

World Cup Fever

What World Cup fever? Yes I do have a cross of St George flag on my car, at least until it blows away into the path of some other unsuspecting motorist. It makes a terrible noise, distracts me whilst I am driving and reduces my fuel efficiency but HEY I am supporting the home country so what's a little annoyance and extra expense on fuel. All that extra tax keeps the government happy anyway. I am not sure what a season ticket to London would cost these days but it currently costs £275 per month in petrol to get to work before taking into account tax, MOT, servicing, insurance and depreciation! All that and I have to keep the boys' cars going as well although body builder's is currently off the road. Then again, with so much aggravation happening there I am not sure I really want to go to work anyway but I suppose I will grow out of that and anyway we need the MONEY. (wife, two elves and reindeer to support)
I am sad to see that I have not written for almost a month. I don't know whether to blame Facebook (which is where many of my instant musings are recorded), tiredness or just plain intertia. I would quite understand, dear reader, if you just gave up on me and moved on to someone more cryptic and interesting (or at least consistent)
What to tell you then about our daily life. I planted 40 runner bean seeds, 6 germinated, the slugs loved the baby lettuce plants and want to know when they can have some more, the turnips disappeared overnight but the beetroots are doing really well (at the moment). The outside of the house needs painting, the inside of the house needs painting, the grass is growing faster than I can mow it, I now have two desks at home and three at work all overflowing with paper and Mrs Claus has been off sick for a week when her bottom turned black (don't ask) - so what makes you think I have time to write a blog???!!! just to keep you amused
Sorry, tirade over, will try to be sensible (but then you don't read this for sensible things do you?)
What has really stirred my to put finger to keyboard is the loss of an iconic landmark in Cr....m. For many years the old school house, which originally belonged to the church (and I presume was a church school) and then became the church hall and an impromptu community centre is no more. The two elves both attended Beaver Scouts there and we went to several fetes and fayres and even the odd dramatic presentation. It has been closed for many years with developers and conservationists wrangling over its future and has become increasingly dangerous as a structure. Well the question is no longer a live one - the developers have won, whether by accident, design or arson. Last night at about 3.00 it burnt (was burnt) down. It has been struck by lightning, been the victim of failed arson attempts but it has finally given up the struggle and all that remains is a charred wreck. No doubt we will now have another block of luxury flats, when what is probably needed is low cost housing for all the commuters who can't afford the season tickets.
the only saving grace is that work on nearby houses has already proved that the land is prone to subsidence so maybe one day all the luxury flats will slowly slip into a large hole all of their own. Now that would be worth a photo
sorry if this is unduly serious, that's just the way I feel at the moment, if you want a laugh you will have to wait for the next one

Julius Caesar's ill erected bloody tower

There we were enjoying a quite drink overlooking the Thames when there was this barked command that made us all stand to attention - and we stayed that way for the next three hours! A great visit to the Tower of London after lights out to witness the ceremony of the keys which we are assured has been going on without fail for 750 years. A ceremony accompanied by much information, some witty banter, some abuse of the Americans (and why not --- sorry Marylew) and absolute, bitter, unadulterated hatred of the French with the Italians coming a close second. When the chap behind you is about 10 feet tall with shiny black boots and an automatic rifle you tend to laugh in the right places OR ELSE. Walking round the various towers and the inner and outer defences, buildings that have stood the test of time for 500 - 1000 years could certainly teach the modern builder a think or two. Do you really think the gerkin, or Red Ken's glass palace will still be here in 100 years let alone a 1000. We were regaled at great length about Englands most effective anti terrorist (bloody French again) weapon, namely the running sewer that the moat had become.
The evening almost closed in the cloistered luxury of the warders' bar but the temptation to say things about losing one's head after a couple of drinks would be just too much to resist.
7 minutes of the keys, not just any keys but Queen Elizabeth's keys and then back to draw the raffle. We know the Queen never carries money and now it appears she has a special man to carry her keys (just in case)
Then of course there was the little matter of the American who bought the wrong bridge. I know they are a new country but I sometimes wonder about our transatlantic cousins. First they buy a bridge and complain that it does not do what it said on the tin because they put the wrong code into the web browser and came up with a different one. Then they take said bridge and rebuild it in a place called a Lake which is actually a desert swiftly followed by a couple of ocean liners that they bury in concrete. Maybe they might have been better off if the likes of Columbus and Raleigh had never discovered them and they could have gone on smoking potatoes in peace
Of course we came unstuck on the way home with no trains going to our station and having to make a detour after our hostess and guide had legged it down the platform to catch a departing train as it was pulling out of the station
I think on balance it was just as well that she had her LARGE mixed grill with double sausage on the side before we had the presentation about the condemned man being fed his own bbq'd entrails

gradual realisation

'The trouble with Facebook is that it takes up so much time (I blame Mrs Claus) and you give out all your news on an immediate basis with no time for considered comment at a later date by blog. At least that's my excuse for almost three weeks since I last updated the world. Actually, life after Costa del Gatwick wasn't at all bad and we had much better weather than they did in the Algarve, lots of sunshine and no rain. Mrs Claus does like her sunshine, which living close to the North Pole we get quite a lot of for 6 months a year but don't do too well for the other six. She says she suffers from SAD which sometimes I quite agree with. It does stand for silly and daft doesn't it? Anyway since we couldn't get to Portuguese sun we went in search of English sun and spent some great time with a virtual friend and her virtual dog who got on very well with Hugh the reindeer. You know Hugh has been neglecting his sleigh exercises recently and looking at his photos I am beginning to have serious doubts as to whether he is a reindeer or not. Do you think he looks like a reindeer? Some people say he is a dog, even a greyhound - I just can't believe it. Does this mean that the whole Santa thing is just a delusion? Have I been mad for the last two and a half years - and if so who the heck is Mrs Claus? Just thinking about it - we only meet for 15 minutes in the morning and she is never there at night and when we do spend time together she is always chatting to virtual friends on bl---y FACEBOOK.
I must be suffering a complete identity crisis
Dear reader please help me through this complicated and worrying situation and tell me who I really am - that is if dear reader you are not imaginary as well
Two nights ago I dreamt that someone was going to send me a parcel and so convinced was I that it was of crucial importance I went down to the letter box at 3.00 in the morning to check
HELP!!!!!!!!

Gatwick !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????????????

I suppose it was only a matter of time before I got round to this and of course I know there are lots of people worse off than us but I think I have earned the right for a really good whinge. First Iceland foul up the economy with a little help from Gordon Brown and then the wreck the airways as well. Now don't get me wrong, we enjoyed Iceland when we passed through there and I suppose the down side of all that spectacular geological scenery is that occassionally everything just overcooks. I learned all about tectonic plates and geothermal forces in Santa school but somehow we were always promised that it would be Los Angeles that disappeared in spectacular fashion rather than remote northern glaciers. Suffice to say that we are not happy bunnies having spent a very expensive, tiring and disappointing day or so in Costa del Gatwick. There will be an update on this thing that you can't see and which doesn't seem to obscure the sun or the moon at all too frequent intervals just to make sure that you don't get your hopes up too much before the next let down. In one of those quirky lift conversations I was chatting to a man trying to get back to Atlana since last Thursday and estimated that his absence as the main wheeler dealer was costing his company $10,000 a day. Folorn people trailing little crocodiles of luggage and looking with faint hope at the TV screens. Now tell me, with all the airports closed what to all those people from HM Customs and Excise and UK Borders Agency do? I bet they are still getting paid.
Now let me see - how did it go

• Yes there may be flights please come to the airport hotel ready as previously arranged
• No I appreciate that you may not need the airport parking that came with your hotel room but we are going to take your car away for a week anyway
• Oh - if there are no planes tomorrow you might need the car in the morning. I am sorry that will be difficult and will take about an hour and a half and an extra charge (for not looking after your car for a week)
• Actually we have no idea what is happening but will continue to make news broadcasts that assure you we have everything under control every couple of hours
• No I am sorry you can't come into the restaurant. You were due to check out at 4.30 this morning, your booking does not include breakfast
• That's fine sir, I will charge it to your room - £27.50 each for breakfast please

The first rule of customer service in the hospitality business - smile sweetly and assure the customer that everything is under control/there is nothing you can do/you will talk to the manager - delete whichever is not applicable

the airline has an even better answer - knowing several thousand of its fee paying passengers are stranded around the world lets shut the office and replace it with a recorded message which after telling you that it will "cost 10p per minute from a BT landline charges from other providers and mobiles may vary" takes five minutes to tell you that they won't be open again until 9.00 on Monday and if it is an emergency please phone xxxxxxxx which just happens to be the number you dialled in the first place

Still the sun is shining here and it is raining over there so I suppose every cloud (ash or otherwise) has a silver lining

Whinge over - sympathy for all others still stranded overseas rapidly running out of patience and money and for all those who, like us, spent fruitless and disappointing hours at points of UK departure

The true meaning of Easter

Mrs Claus points out that it is nearly 3 weeks since I last blogged. Personally I blame Facebook and I am thinking of banning Mrs Claus from using it. I suppose it is not so bad in our slack season but I will need her fully operational when we start the build up to Christmas again. The other distraction is of course SUN, Mrs Claus being allergic to rain and grey skies. "It is April" she says "and we should be able to sit out in the sunshine". To my mind, torrential rain, rainbows, and sunny intervals is about what we expect in April so the first three days have been pretty spot on. That said, I do agree that we have had quite enough rain for the timebeing. When I went across the lawn to get my spare boots I nearly sank up to my ankles.
OUR TIME - Christmas is of course a Christian festival, despite being linked with the original Jewish celebration of Hannukah and timed to coincide with the Roman pagan rites of Saturnalia but it is essentially the coming of Christ that we remember despite all the presents and razamataz that go with the 21st Century. (what am I saying, without all that I would be out of work!)
It is good to be able to take time out and celebrate the other major Christian festival - the culmination of what began at Christmas, that is Easter - the death and resurrection of our Lord.
Went to the Good Friday march yesterday and thankfully we were still able to hold the celebration outside despite a very overcast sky and some half hearted (and ill informed) heckling. Prayers and speaker very good and great to be able to sing and praise in public. This year we had a full police escort to keep the rebellious Christians in order and TWO police vans just in case they needed to take any of us away for being too exuberant. But Christianity is a revolutionary faith and if you want to know why I say that you had better come along to housegroup on Thursday night!

Who is Ben?

I could say "Sarah B what are you doing online so early but I suspect it may be one of the younger members of the family playing bejewelled blitz or similar. However there are more important things to share. Those of you familiar with the three FB pages run from this house will already know much of the news and indeed seen the pictures there is much to tell in the land of Santa. Jetski boy has surpassed himself (how appropriate I have just realised that that spells hims elf). With a group of friends he set of in the middle of the night to drive to a place inhabited my mysterious Celts and covered in snow. Fortunately he did not go in his own sleigh but persuaded a friend to take the responsibility for staying awake over 516 miles, 15 hours travelling and some rather odd sat nav directions. On the way he and friends discovered a place called the Yorkshire Dales, home to sheep and tea bags I believe and were captivated by it. There are many differences between our normal home and the place called Scot Land, not least the language which is well nigh uninterpretable up there. Designations like "A road" have a different meaning. We are used to to 4 lane tarmac highway whereas our Celtic brothers think this is an appropriate description of a country track with passing places. Much to his surprise he also found Scot Land covered in snow, although I would have thought he should be used to this.
Once arrived and after a short night's sleep they set out to climb Ben Nevis. What Ben had to say about this is not recorded. They must have given him a thorough going over as they say it took 12 hours. Spurred on by tales of derring do they stuck manfully (sorry for those with pc sensitivities) to their task, with only a single ice age and some funny hats to support them. So desperate were they that they were forced to resort to eating snow. In this part of the world a snow cone is a cold sweet you give to children and adults who like to pretend but apparently they found the real thing lacked taste and substance.
Safely returned he has since been unwell with recurrent flu symptoms and swollen glands. Having been disappointed that his earlier diagnosis of mumps was inaccurate (we had the boys vaccinated MMR along with the reindeer) he has now latched on to glandular fever. Off to the doctors tomorrow I think. Medical bulletins will be posted regularly on FB

rebellion

Now where had I got to? The confusing thing is that anyone reading from top down will not understand this since they will not have read the earlier post. SO IF YOU DIDN'T READ THE ONE THIS MORNING READ THAT FIRST
Now to catch up. The rebellious elves are causing more problems and by going to Yorkshire Lad over my head have given me quite a headache. The simple answer is to throw money at the problem but Yorkshire Lad won't allow that so I will have to find another way around it but that will have to be after using a day of my annual leave to sort out a complaint from an angry parent. Honestly don't they think I have enough problems squeezing down their chimneys or trying to find alternative ways into these new houses and flats without having to cope with petty "not what I wanted" complaints. If they knew the trouble I have. At one house I even resorted to using the cat flap and met someone called Kip Enzie coming through from the other side. Don't dogs know that CAT flaps are for cats?

Cyber dog

Some of you may remember a robot dog, K9 who appeared in many of the Doctor Who series, I think with Peter Davidson and possibly John Pertwee. He was metallic, looked like a doggy version of Kryten from Red Dwarf and from memory was not particularly appealing. Well, we in the Claus household have gone one better. Reindeer Hugh has his own Facebook Page although he is masquerading as his alter ego, Hugh the Greyhound. We thought he was the first reindeer/dog to have his own Facebook Page but no, Kip Enzie beat us to it. I suspect she has a very high pedigree and so probably expects these thingswhilst for Hugh it is an exciting adventure. He and Kip Enzie are "friends" and correspond regularly, especially about Kip Enzie's new outside toilet. (if you want to see photos then go to her page - she doesn't have a blog yet). Hugh has other admirers including Rosie, a transatlantic affair although Rosie has to sneak onto her Mom's computer to send her messages. Rosie is a party animal and has her own photos on Facebook but I am not going to tell you how to find her as that would give away her secret to Mom. Dusty isn't allowed to have her page but her Mum sends messages from time to time so Hugh can keep up with her news.
Back at the day job the elves are revolting (in the rebellious rather than ugly or smelly way [in fact one of them is very pretty]). They work in one of the outer grottos and had trouble with the wrong type of snow earier in the year. Their sleigh driver quite before Christmas, just at our busiest time and they have never really recovered. The boss elf says she doesn't want the responsibility any more and wants to stand down. Yorkshire Lad who controls my budget says I can't recruit a replacement for either her or the sleigh driver until the elves get more money coming in to cover their costs. How am I supposed to generate income when our season doesn't start for another 8 months?
Mrs Claus is calling so I have to go but will finish later so you will get two blogs for the price of one

Party and beyond

Well, Mrs Claus' birthday bash certainly was a hit. Mrs prim and proper with the reindeer master was first up, saying something about another party to go onto afterwards. Just because they almost share their birthdays with Mrs Claus, no reason to stand us up, although come to think of it they did stand up all the time they were here. Young P was next having made the trek across the artic wastes with only a compass and a 248 bus to guide him. The music teacher and the carpenter came next bearing precious gifts. (for those of you who may be English pedants they were certainly not baring anything)
The evening wore on ..... "that's such a lovely phrase my dear, with your permission I will say it again" (small prize for anyone who can tell me what film that came from and who said it, both character and actor). More guests and gifts arrived and the early ones left (the guests that is not the gifts). Wine and conversation were flowing although the miracle of water into wine was far from being repeated, one lovely couple arrived with a very expensive bottle of wine and had to make do with Tesco plonk for the party but as I said to them "after the third glass it doesn't really matter".
Happy birthday has been sung in many ways but this time we had an improptu African gospel choir. Jo Jo came and was soon reunited with his hareem including the CVwho we had not seen since the last Manchester United match and of course the ever popular JB. Jetski boy popped down for food and drink and was not seen again for the rest of the evening but Bodybuilder stayed for quite a while and was much admired by the Minx in a mini who insisted on having her photograph taken with him (the photo will not be available for public display due to copywrite infringement with bodybuilder's managing agency). In fact the minx appears in lots of photos (not to be published, well at least until I see if the blackmail money is going to be paid)
All good parties must come to an end and around 12.30 am we had finished the washing up and I went to bed, followed by Mrs Claus who was up again at 3.00 saying she could not sleep and went downstairs to "put things away". Facebook entries and several completed sudokos tell a different story however.

apple pie and custard

As you know at weekends I do the cooking to give Mrs Claus a break and this is not usually an issue. I have my range of stand by menus and a couple of "specials" that always go down well even with the elves, Bodybuilder and JetSki boy and of course Hugh the reindeer has to have his share. To all intents and purposes yesterday was no exception, just an ordinary meal, succulent pork steaks with roast potatoes carrots and brussel sprouts with a few beans on the side for the elves followed by apple pie and custard. Well ! that's when the trouble started. Mrs Claus is having a party soon to celebrate her XXXth birthday and in anticipation is having an early spring clean. Everything has been moved, cleaned, polished and put back but not necessarily where it came from. I have found some of my DVD's in the most peculiar of places and the Hugh's food has been banished to a cupboard under the stairs and at one time I thought I had lost the reindeer. Yesterday was "kitchen cleaning" and just in case there was any doubt about what retribution awaited anyone who subsequently messed it up, not only were there stern warnings to all and sundry but a Facebook post just to make sure EVERYONE got the message. But you can't cook (at least I can't) without making a little mess, particularly when your favourite saucepan has disappeared, the microwave is at the opposite end of the house and the vegetable racks have been cleaned within an inch of their lives. Still, cook I did and between main course and pudding Mrs Claus indulges her Facebook addiction and starts making sarcastic remarks about where is the pudding. At which point the whole world became involved with 33 posts at the latest count and people threatening to come from as far away as California to steal my custard. Now custard is not my forte at the best of times so I considered a switch to rice pudding and still there is a queue at the door, Hugh fighting people off for his share of the milky puddings. And for those of you who have been following the plot the ginger syrup sponge was too moist, and was just beginning to burn on top by the time the centre had risen and become firm. Eating was good though
Then there was the event this morning. Hugh and I were out with the dawn and the thermometer showing -5, a hard frost and thick ice on the ponds. He was in his warm red coat and I had my woolly hat on so that was OK. For those of you still on the old scale this is -5 Centigrade although I have been on the shores of Lake Michigan when the temperature was -3 Farenheit!
We came down the path past the heron pond to the stream and pond nearest to the sleigh park and in the water was a black labrador up to his shoulders in icy water. I asked the owner is he stuck (I wasn't offering to go and help) or stupid but apparently this is what the dog loves to do. He chases his ball across the ice, throwing himself down on it to break it then swimming forwards to chest the ice out of the way like an ice breaker. But this morning the ice was over half an inch thick (and no I don't do centimetres) and he was having great difficulty breaking it. He had his front paws on the solid ice in front of him but was out of his depth in the cold water and could get no purchase on it to bring his weight to bear. So he reared up and brought his two front legs crashing down on the ice until he broke through, swam into the gap and then repeated the process until he reached his ball. His next problem was that the ball had frozen to the ice so he had to climb up onto the surface to lever it off with his teeth and this time it was a good thing that it was thick enough to carry his weight. Having successfully retrieved the ball he swam back to the bank and happily shook icy water over both of us before trotting off with his wagging tail held high.
Noel Coward used to sing about Mad Dogs and Englishmen but they went out into the noonday sun rather than into icy pools
Talking of dogs there is a lovely video animation on You Tube at the moment. Just search GodandDog into the search bar or paste this link http://www.godanddog.org/.
Enjoy

CTS - what does it mean? - read on then

Mrs Claus is in hospital. To be more accurate she was in hospital attending an outpatient clinic to look at the numbness in her hands. It is now official that she has bilateral carpal tunnel syndrome. "can you feel anything?" asked the consultant as he bent her wrtists back. "Well yes, it hurts" replied Mrs Claus - well of course it would but that seems to be the delight of the medical profession. I recall a physiotherapist with whom I once worked who assured all her patients that if it didn't hurt it wasn't doing them any good! It is apparently very interesting - there are two nerves that run under the heel of the wrist one of which serves the thumb, index and middle fingers and half the ring finger and a second just for the remainder of the ring finger and the little finger.
It is strange that Mrs Claus should get anything to do with tunnels as I know she hates tunnels, particularly those affected with tube trains but she has been known to get extremely anxious passing under road bridges. I once suggested that we use the Channel Tunnel to travel across to the Continent on Christmas Eve to give the reindeer a rest and that idea was vetoed very quickly.
I suppose it all comes from spending those long evenings plaiting reindeer thongs to make reins and harness. Mind you I have never found reindeer that sexy whether in a thong or not!
I was getting the sleigh out the other evening to pop into town for supplies when Mrs Prim and Proper came jogging by - head to foot in black lycra with fluorescent stripes down each arm and leg. I think the vision defies further comment.
Now that Mrs Claus is such a Facebook fan it gets more difficult to bring you real news in these bulletins as she has usually blabbed to the world the minute anything of interest has happened. However I will try to keep a few secrets to be revealed exclusively on these pages so that my loyal readers will still have something to celebrate (yes both of you). Snow on the mountains and a beautiful sunrise in California one of my readers assures me and slush underfoot in Lapland I can tell you. My faithful reader who fell on the ice is now much recovered but has since lost a tooth and was today preparing for an 80th (not her own) birthday party. No 900 bottles of wine there I suspect although it might have made the tooth problem less painful. Get better soon CM
If CC is still reading then I know you saw two brown hares today - honestly I thought PC had more than that and if you come round here you will see considerably more than two grey hairs.
You can tell that there is little news in the world of Santa at the moment but it is still the quiet season.
Happy Burns night to those of you who take an interest in such things

Popular demand

Does anyone know what is the matter with Facebook today? Posts take hours to register or get lost completely and my home page totally blank for most of the day. I asked on Facebook should I continue blogging and my faithful reader said "go for it" Thanks Marylew - Carol and Carol I am really disappointed. So, what to blog about or should that be snow what to blog about. A lot of weather we have been having recently - as the English would say. First it was snow, then it was ice and now it is floods - what excuses will the teams come up with next to say that they can't get into work. You would have thought that elves could cope with a bit of snow - apparently not.
You will recall the new silver sleigh - well body builder, not to be outdone, has purchased a second hand silver sleigh of his own. A little old and scratched but with 1.8 reindeer it goes very well. I should know I didn't put him on the insurance for a week! Apart from the odd tinkling bell sleighs are supposed to be silent but not bodybuilder's. He has had a new exhaust system fitted (reindeer wind can be terrible if you don't get it under control) and now it sounds like a GT racing sleigh. We have a little group of senior elves and retired elves meet each week and one of them had seen a new sleigh in the area and guessed it was bodybuilder's. "makes a lovely noise" she commented
Mrs Claus has a birthday coming up and is planning a little celebration. I see by her shopping list that she has requested 900 bottles of wine so I think she is expecting a good time.She plans to invite some of the African elves which should be exciting. I blame the vicar, he put her up to it in this morning's sermon and he isn't even getting an invitation. Heaven knows what he will be asking for next. I suppose Mrs Claus will be wanting 5,000 loaves and 2,000 fishes as well and a little fire from Elijah just to cook it all
The snow hides the reindeer pooh which is fine at the time but a real mess now that the thaw has come. Two great sacks of it I tidied up this afternoon - up to the top of my wellies I was.
This is the quiet time of year when very little happens, just tidying up the grotto, packing away the sacks and beginning to think about the lists for next December. Mind you I am not complaining, a little time to catch up with ourselves is always good