Gatwick !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????????????

I suppose it was only a matter of time before I got round to this and of course I know there are lots of people worse off than us but I think I have earned the right for a really good whinge. First Iceland foul up the economy with a little help from Gordon Brown and then the wreck the airways as well. Now don't get me wrong, we enjoyed Iceland when we passed through there and I suppose the down side of all that spectacular geological scenery is that occassionally everything just overcooks. I learned all about tectonic plates and geothermal forces in Santa school but somehow we were always promised that it would be Los Angeles that disappeared in spectacular fashion rather than remote northern glaciers. Suffice to say that we are not happy bunnies having spent a very expensive, tiring and disappointing day or so in Costa del Gatwick. There will be an update on this thing that you can't see and which doesn't seem to obscure the sun or the moon at all too frequent intervals just to make sure that you don't get your hopes up too much before the next let down. In one of those quirky lift conversations I was chatting to a man trying to get back to Atlana since last Thursday and estimated that his absence as the main wheeler dealer was costing his company $10,000 a day. Folorn people trailing little crocodiles of luggage and looking with faint hope at the TV screens. Now tell me, with all the airports closed what to all those people from HM Customs and Excise and UK Borders Agency do? I bet they are still getting paid.
Now let me see - how did it go

• Yes there may be flights please come to the airport hotel ready as previously arranged
• No I appreciate that you may not need the airport parking that came with your hotel room but we are going to take your car away for a week anyway
• Oh - if there are no planes tomorrow you might need the car in the morning. I am sorry that will be difficult and will take about an hour and a half and an extra charge (for not looking after your car for a week)
• Actually we have no idea what is happening but will continue to make news broadcasts that assure you we have everything under control every couple of hours
• No I am sorry you can't come into the restaurant. You were due to check out at 4.30 this morning, your booking does not include breakfast
• That's fine sir, I will charge it to your room - £27.50 each for breakfast please

The first rule of customer service in the hospitality business - smile sweetly and assure the customer that everything is under control/there is nothing you can do/you will talk to the manager - delete whichever is not applicable

the airline has an even better answer - knowing several thousand of its fee paying passengers are stranded around the world lets shut the office and replace it with a recorded message which after telling you that it will "cost 10p per minute from a BT landline charges from other providers and mobiles may vary" takes five minutes to tell you that they won't be open again until 9.00 on Monday and if it is an emergency please phone xxxxxxxx which just happens to be the number you dialled in the first place

Still the sun is shining here and it is raining over there so I suppose every cloud (ash or otherwise) has a silver lining

Whinge over - sympathy for all others still stranded overseas rapidly running out of patience and money and for all those who, like us, spent fruitless and disappointing hours at points of UK departure