Christmas blues

It is Christmas Eve (alright some friends like Simone have already begun Christmas in Hong Kong and Mary Lew and Charis will have to wait HOURS and HOURS in California) and I should be doing something more profitable with my time than FaceBook and blogs. However dear reader, as you can see, I have in fact decided that blogging is the appropriate and brain numbing activity at least for the next few moments. Not that I have forgotten you of course, you are frequently on my mind, it is just that, as I have remarked before, FB is so instant that it takes all the bon mots and I have no time for considered thought before moving on to the next post. Talking of post, don't the post people seem to be getting younger along with the baby faced police persons who are also getting shorter.
The snow has gone, the ice remains and the wind is bitter as we prepare to set off for the midnight service. Actually it is 11.30 service and over by 00.15 (sorry Michael) - even the services seem to be shorter. I remember, I remember way back when - one carols by candlelight rather than midnight communion when I was head acolyte, leaning back during the sermon and setting myself alight on one of the candles. #Elf and Safety would no longer permit, even Christingle globes have to be battery operated now.
"we need a cauliflour" - the cry went up in the kitchen on Christmas Eve. Waitrose had shut early, M&S was shut, Iceland was shut, Tesco had run out so praises to the little "Ind***n" round the corner who sold me his last one and some broccoli to boot - mind you it did look as if someone had booted it but I am sure it will cook up nicely.
Boys to Christmas dinner tomorrow which will be nice before they each disappear to their corners with new electronic games or whatever else SC may have brought. Harking back to my old profession that Sat Nav just might come in handy. An imposter came around the other night on a trailer hitched to the back of a car. I didn't like to comment on his professional shortcomings but not a reindeer in sight - no street cred these modern santas. I was asked to reprise my greatest hour for the guys in the office but politely declined - somehow the gloss has gone, or maybe it is just the beard that tickles
"Snow had fallen, snow on snow" - actually it was a pensioner who had fallen but she managed to restore herself and hobble off before I could offer assistance
Not many Christmas carols around this year, just the incessant jingles in all the shops - that Rudolph has a lot to answer for. Anyway I always say Carol is for life not just for Christmas and I am sure Mike agrees
'Tis the season to be jolly - until the credit card bills come in and VAT goes up
But all this loses sight of the real meaning of Christmas and the reason we are still up long past our bedtime to trek out into the icy blast to join with others to celebrate the birth of our Saviour
Happy Christmas to one and all and may God bless you in 2011

Hello world

why is it that I just couldn't be bothered to blog for the last six weeks or so? Lack of anything interesting to say, or lack of support from my willing reader, too many other things to do or just plain laziness. I will leave you, dear reader, to make up your own mindThere are things that bring you back to the blogosphere and the BBC Radio 4 howler this morning is something I just had to bring to a wider audience who may not have been up at 6.00 this morning or perhaps listening to some other radio station or even the TV. Anyway, there was an item about repairs to Roman statues that have been ordered by Sylvio Berlusconni including a new penis for Eros. This is apparently also detachable, a thought that may well bring tears to the eyes. The real crunch however when the continuity announcer said at the end of the piece "thank you to our correspondent David Willy" Definitely a contribution for the News Quiz me thinks.Long Bored meeting this afternoon (over 5 hours, what do they find to talk about?). We were discussing high staff turnover and the Chair said "should we be looking for a new CEO?" I asked if that was wishful thinking on his part and he said no - nice to know I am still appreciated. No one else understands the accounts so I suppose they have to keep me around at least until after the AGM (Stanley if you read this at least now they add up!)Now to cheer you up. When I was drafting my diary for the staff team this morning I realised it is only 5 weeks to Christmas. Not a present bought, not a card written. For the first time in years I think I know what I want but haven't the faintest idea what to get the others. Bearing mind my previous occupation, how's that for professional negligenceI have said before that FB has been the death of blogging, will tweet be the death of FB I wonder. CC is having a rest and AL is having a rest, how many other people giving up on FB?SAT can always be relied on to fly the flag and make me laugh even when she is in a blue mood
Just to prove the state I am in I realise that I posted this on the wrong blog first time round. Additional coincidence, it is exactly a year since I made the same mistake!

chocolate potatoes

We had just finished a spicy carbonara (one of my specialities) and I went to make the chocolate sauce to have with the chocolate sponge I had cooked but wasn't really paying attention. Tesco custard powder used to come in a yellow and red container with a red lid. Well that's easy and I am not likely to confuse that with the gravy which is in an all red container. So I picked the container out of the cupboard and was ready to spoon the powder into the jug to add the boiling milk when I realised it didn't look right. No one told me that custard now comes in a green and yellow container but SMASH still comes in red and yellow. Not that we use ready made mashed potato, it came from bodybuilder's cupboard and was approaching use by date, but I wonder what chocolate flavoured mashed potato would have tasted like. Any volunteers wanting to try for themselves I will send the rest of the tin to you.
I am not sure how that sums up the last couple of weeks but they do seem to have consisted almost entirely of some near misses and some downright disasters. The Greeks has stolen some of the more imaginative elves and the highest paid gardener in Lapland has won an award and got lots of publicity which he didn't deserve, but it's too late now. (Pedantic readers please note the apostrophe in the correct place).
So, Red Ed is the new Labour leader and delight of delights the title of the Great Blair's memoirs translates to Fahrt in German, or so I am reliably informed. I see that he appears to have donned Harry Potter's invisibility cloak again whilst the Middle East talks are going on - how much is he supposed to be earning to wave his magic wand over the Israel/Palestine issue? However this is NOT a political blog so please regard these comments as an abberation rather the expected norm. Where would we be if Santa had to be politically correct or worry about Elf and Safety (sorry couldn't resist that one - new readers go back about 2 years for an explanation).
Next Sunday is rather special for us and unfortunately we will not make it to our usual church service which is a pity as Elaine Storkey is coming to speak. Elaine was very good to us both during a difficult time several years ago and it would have been good to spend time with her again. It is the harvest festival so my advice Pat is to listen carefully.
Mrs Claus is now a great aunt - woo hoo - as I believe she would say. I am concerned that it may be affecting her in some way as she has begun to go round taking photographs of people's beds on her phone
The Gretna guys seem to be doing well, not sure exactly where they are at presently but I guess all will become clear in the fullness of time. The quiet man has however been far from quiet and seems to be becoming a major part of life again. It all makes for a very full world and not even a mention of crises at work and out of work
more cheer next time and maybe less cryptic clues
good luck blessed one

STRESSSSSSS

Stressed with a capital STR. You know that feeling when you have work piling up, a catalogue of crises and one or two personal issues - and you just can't get on with ANY of them - well that's me at the moment. If you do know that state of affairs then you have my sympathy and if you don't I pray you never will. Somehow it sours even the good things in life when you feel you shouldn't be doing the thing you enjoy or spending time looking at the thing you enjoy, you should be GETTING ON and sorting out the problems. Instead you just keep putting everything off because you haven't got the energy to start or it is just too big to know where to begin. What was the point of going on that time management course? - everything seems to have got much worse since then
Anyway, if I have not made you all suicidal, what about the happier things in life. Went picking blackberries yesterday and with windfall apples made an enourmous crumble. Not content with that I made a chocolate cake but too much icing and then when I was trying to put the top layer on dropped the lot. Mrs Claus was so sympathetic she almost cracked a rib laughing. I won't let her eat any - that will show her. Those of you familiar with her FB page will know that she claims to have forsworn chocolate (at least for the time being), so just Hugh and me then - yummy.
I washed bodybuilder's car - why do I have to wash HIS car? and then I washed my car. Jetski Boy's car remains dirty but I have to draw the line somewhere. In the dirt on his windscreen I suppose. Actually I have been cheating and taking Bodybuilder's car to work so it is only fair really that I give it a wash. With it's larger engine and specially modified exhaust it does make a lovely sound in the country lanes as I am avoiding the M25 and even better when I go through the two tunnels on the way home.
Washing up calls - are Santa's chores never done?
try to be more cheerful next time if any of you have the stamina to stay with me. AT knows a good walk on WB would soon sort me out

Not good enough

If I have to sit through another board meeting like that I shall probably give up. I have been telling them for weeks and now it is "not good enough", "must do better", "unacceptable"and "have it done by..... or else". All that and I didn't even get a sandwich, they kept them all on their table and didn't pass any over to my desk. Just as well I had helped myself to a couple when setting out their lunch then. Coronation chicken, BLT, Chicken and bacon melt, warm sausage rolls, fresh fruit and doughnuts - you would have thought they might be a bit grateful. And you wonder why I only get the chance to blog once a month. There are of course other distractions like the three new blackberries I arranged for the managers (at no extra cost) when I rolled over the contract. Just a few problems setting them up, like now I have two blackberries that don't work instead of just one but I am assured that these are just teething problems.
Normally I like to keep you amused in my irregular blogs but it is difficult to see the sunny side of life at times at the moment. I could regale you with my brush with sniffer dogs, or the fortune I have had to spend to keep jetski boy and bodybuilder's cars on the road, or even post the photo Mrs Claus took of me sunbathing under a travel rug, getting the sun but keeping out the cold north wind.
I suppose you think I am just after the sympathy vote and you would of course be right, I just need a couple of successes, things to go right first time to set me on my feet again.
Jetski boy has surpassed himself by completing the three peaks challenge in just over 26 hours (target time 24) and is now under canvas at the V Festival (tickets were a birthday present as he leaves his teens). Perhaps I am not as old as I thought, I recognised at least 30% of the bands playing but probably wouldn't have liked ANY of them
If in doubt, take it out on the ivy, that's my motto. It grows so fast up the fences and across the roof of the building that houses the sleighs that I an spend an hour chopping and hacking and make virtually no difference at all. Our neighbour takes a hedge trimmer to it but that only encourages it to grow faster. If we could eat ivy then we wouldn't need to grow any different vegetables, shame it is poisonous.
Miserable old toad this time aren't I? maybe more light hearted next time, you will just have to wait and see

welcome back

Dear reader, I would quite understand if you had lost all faith in me and felt that I had abandonned you completely - it is 6 whole weeks since I last blogged. I could claim "Fab Al Diaries not responding" which is the sort of message I seem to get continually every time I turn my home computer on (and for some reason my Trustees get upset if they find me blogging at work).
However, if truth be told, it is the immediacy and ephemeral nature of FaceBook that continues to tempt me away. A quick post here and a quick post there, the odd photo (some very odd) and catch up with everybody's news, somehow there is never time for the more considered art of blogging. The quick fix, as exemplified by FB, is the curse of the modern world. No one seems to have time to take care or concern, the days of the craftsman (or craftswoman if I am being pc [that is politically correct not personal computer]) seem to have passed by and the rule of the day is non servicable parts and repairs that are alleged to cost more than replacement. Replacement of course means buying something that is a different colour, or shinier than the thing that has just broken, costs only a few pounds more (or even less) and will last an even shorter time than the useless lump of metal and plastic you are probably holding as you stand before the sales person (see I got it right that time [if you can really be bothered to care about such niceties])
FB has its many advantages, not least increasing the number of people you feel you know, including some you have never met and may never meet and others who you may come to know less and less as you commune electronically with their avatar. We all had imaginary friends when we were young, some of us still keep these friends well into middle and later age - the only sensible relationships we may have and sadly more enduring than many real time ones.
Where is all this meandering going you might well ask and with good reason as I have rather lost the thread myself but it does bring me into the world of Sat Nav - yes there is a connection
We have a virtual friend, Mrs Claus and I, who we shall refer to as ****** as that is her name. In fact this is an electronic menage a cinq as we are also friends with **** who is ******'s pet and very friendly with reindeer Hugh. Some of you may remember that we converted pixels to reality earlier in the year when we went to see ****** and *** at their house near the sea. The first visit was a great, if sometimes misunderstood, success and ****** agreed it would be worth risking a second visit
Bodybuilder being away for a while I decided to use his Sat Nav since I had never used one before. The twisted logic that says why don't you use a navigation aid to help you get somewhere you already know how to get to was kicking in. This electronic aid and I had a reasonably civil relationship with mild disagreement about which way to go and one near miss when, fortunately, I had already made the correct turning before the female voice with which it is endowed bothered to tell me that I should be doing something. With scarcely a heated word we had successully got within less than a mile of our destination and entered a small complex of streets where such guidance as can be expected from a mapping aid would be really useful, when her poor electronic circuits went into meltdown, swiftly followed by my own. At least once I could actually see the house we were going to whilst she was frantically sending me in the opposite direction - "left, left, right", silence whilst you pass three streets including the one you should have gone down then"recalculating" by which time I had thankfully parked outside our destination. I am reminded of the scene from Three Men in a Boat (I think) when one of the party sat down on a bench in Hampton Court Maze and decided to wait for the other two to come round again since he was convinced that the bench and previously spotted bun had been passed on several prior occassions
There were other things, important matters, that had been floating round my brain to talk to you about but like all ephemera they have flitted on, perhaps to be recalled and shared with you at a later date
If you want to see how our visit with ****** and *** went then look on my or Hugh's FB pages. If you are not already a friend perhaps you would like to become one and we might even come and visit you one day.
On the other hand, if you are already a friend and are no seriously asking yourself why than thank you for your friendship to date at least

World Cup Fever

What World Cup fever? Yes I do have a cross of St George flag on my car, at least until it blows away into the path of some other unsuspecting motorist. It makes a terrible noise, distracts me whilst I am driving and reduces my fuel efficiency but HEY I am supporting the home country so what's a little annoyance and extra expense on fuel. All that extra tax keeps the government happy anyway. I am not sure what a season ticket to London would cost these days but it currently costs £275 per month in petrol to get to work before taking into account tax, MOT, servicing, insurance and depreciation! All that and I have to keep the boys' cars going as well although body builder's is currently off the road. Then again, with so much aggravation happening there I am not sure I really want to go to work anyway but I suppose I will grow out of that and anyway we need the MONEY. (wife, two elves and reindeer to support)
I am sad to see that I have not written for almost a month. I don't know whether to blame Facebook (which is where many of my instant musings are recorded), tiredness or just plain intertia. I would quite understand, dear reader, if you just gave up on me and moved on to someone more cryptic and interesting (or at least consistent)
What to tell you then about our daily life. I planted 40 runner bean seeds, 6 germinated, the slugs loved the baby lettuce plants and want to know when they can have some more, the turnips disappeared overnight but the beetroots are doing really well (at the moment). The outside of the house needs painting, the inside of the house needs painting, the grass is growing faster than I can mow it, I now have two desks at home and three at work all overflowing with paper and Mrs Claus has been off sick for a week when her bottom turned black (don't ask) - so what makes you think I have time to write a blog???!!! just to keep you amused
Sorry, tirade over, will try to be sensible (but then you don't read this for sensible things do you?)
What has really stirred my to put finger to keyboard is the loss of an iconic landmark in Cr....m. For many years the old school house, which originally belonged to the church (and I presume was a church school) and then became the church hall and an impromptu community centre is no more. The two elves both attended Beaver Scouts there and we went to several fetes and fayres and even the odd dramatic presentation. It has been closed for many years with developers and conservationists wrangling over its future and has become increasingly dangerous as a structure. Well the question is no longer a live one - the developers have won, whether by accident, design or arson. Last night at about 3.00 it burnt (was burnt) down. It has been struck by lightning, been the victim of failed arson attempts but it has finally given up the struggle and all that remains is a charred wreck. No doubt we will now have another block of luxury flats, when what is probably needed is low cost housing for all the commuters who can't afford the season tickets.
the only saving grace is that work on nearby houses has already proved that the land is prone to subsidence so maybe one day all the luxury flats will slowly slip into a large hole all of their own. Now that would be worth a photo
sorry if this is unduly serious, that's just the way I feel at the moment, if you want a laugh you will have to wait for the next one