And then there was the bomb!

So much excitement over the temporary new addition to the family that I almost forgot to update you on the other big event of the week. To current readers you will be pleased to know that our short term, four legged guest has been returned to his home courtesy of the PDSA who confirmed that he had been chipped and identified his owners who had been frantic for 3 days wondering where he had got to. After breakfast of scrambled eggs and toast, dog food, dog biscuits, dog chocolate and I don't know what else I suspect he left the bodybuilder's flat heavier than when he arrived. He certainly didn't want for company as there appears to have been a stream of visitors cominig to meet him during his short stay.As regular readers know, Santa has to do a bit of moonlighting during the year to make ends meet between the busy seasons each November and December. Christmas seems to come earlier every year with the first card arriving last week - from Royal Mail appropriately - I suppose that allows them to say that Christmas deliveries are being made on time. Decorations have been in the shops since October, jostling briefly with halloween stuff and now in full swing. I may be getting old (about 1200 years actually) but Christmas just isn't the same as it used to be. Now 2,000 years ago - that was a really special one - and before that the Romans had a pretty jolly time at Saturnalia.Anyway, back to the plot. With the changes in tendering and procurement legislation various statutory bodies are now providing training courses for the "third sector" on the new requirements to ensure that they are still able to bid for business beyond 2010. I had just sat through two fascinating seminars on "personalisation" which seems to run along the lines of "you have a choice of three things on the menu but two of them are off - unless you want to pay privately of course" and "Equal Opportunities Impact Assessments" - riveting - when my name was called out. I won't tell you my alter ego but it is always a surprise when someone uses it out of context. Aha - another seminar choice I thought but instead there was a telephone call for me.Panic from the Chief Elf who I had left in charge as a second world war bomb had been unearthed just yards from the grotto. He had set the evacuation plan in process and all the little elves and their helpers were moved out to the overflow grotto but the dwarves that run that were getting very grumpy and so I had to leap on the silver sleigh and go and calm everyone down. When I got back to the seminar the head of adult social care - Peter Blister - had just finished his address which concluded "and so now you know the sort of things we will be assessing you on when we carry out our inspections at the beginning of the new year". EOIAs will defintely feature but as far as the rest of it I will just have to wing it and hope that a little bauble or two might ease the workings of bureaucracy. Hey ho or EO IA

Dad - what do I do?

"Dad, what do I do?" - aren't they just words that strike fear into your heart? - especially at 3.30 in the morning which somehow seems to be the usual time for such conversations to begin. You blearily grab the phone and get half way through the conversation before you stop and ask "what time is it for goodness sake" or words to that effect.
Responses range from; "I'm at a roundabout in Milton Keynes - how do I get home?" through "I've been clamped" to this policeman said.........". Nothing quite prepared me for this little episode though - "I've found a dog" followed by a pause (or should that be paws), "a big dog". Another paws accompanied by laboured breathing and snuffling. "He's a big dog, you wouldn't want to get on the wrong side of him". By this time the brain is beginning to kick in and you start to ask questions about where the dog was found, where it is now and particularly about the asthmatic friend in the background. "in the front seat of my car, he just hopped in" comes the reply. Well I suppose it would wouldn't it.
We then ran through a range of possibilities for the little elf to follow and let Santa get back to sleep. So, we tried the police station, the local vet emergency service, even thought about bedding down with the reindeer for the night. By this time I had given up all hope of sleep and started internet searches for stray dogs, rescue homes, PDSA (they have a shop just round the corner from your flat perhaps you could leave him there!) and FINALLY new laws passed a couple of years ago passing responsibility for stray dogs, cattle and horses to the environmental health officer at the local council
Standing on the pavement in dressing gown and slippers I didn't really look thoroughly but on closer inspection by daylight he has been in the wars a bit with a lot of scar tissue but he is just too soppy to be a fighting dog so he must be somebody's much loved pet and no doubt there is a family grieving their loss - so if you do recognise him then let me know so that we can get him safely back where he belongs.
We have no name or collar but I guess "Mutt" or Patch" would probably fit the bill. Just to help in the identification process, he doesn't like dog food, will do almost anything for chocolate and seems happy to survive on scrambled eggs, toast and pizza

Soaked to the skin

Reindeer Hugh likes his walks in the enchanted forest and if he doesn't get one each day he gets very grumpy. This morning however after a night of "severe weather warnings" and the potential loss of the covering over our neighbour's scaffolding this looked like being more of a chore than a pleasure. I looked at him and said "if we must" and I rather suspect he looked at me and would have said exactly the same thing except that a) he's too polite and b) he can't talk, well not human talk anyway. So I donned my old blue kagoule and the bright yellow waterproof trousers that date back to the days when Santa used to ride a motor bike. Whilst going through this performance the sky was black except when it was torn by flashes of lightning and thunder echoed around with torrential rain. No sooner had we got outside than the skies cleared, the rain ceased and although there were still very strong winds things seemed to be improving. Such a fool I must have looked, walking down the road dressed like an on shore lifeboat crew member rather than someone out for a morning stroll with a reindeer. But weather is deceptive and by the time we had reached the enchanted forest the wind had turned to a gale and the rain was coming down like a pressure shower. I don't know if you have ever stood under a pressure shower fully clothed but it is not to be recommended especially when the water is cold.
Then came the next problem ---- my trustee blue kagoule had somehow lost its waterproof qualities and was about as effective as a paper bag under the circumstances. Within 5 minutes I was as wet as Hugh as his raincoat leaks as well. he is getting a new one for Christmas but please don't tell him, we want it to be a surprise. A couple of drowned rats we were but far from hanging back he trotted off into the rain and looked as if he was thoroughly enjoying himself. Contrary things reindeer. To add to his pleasure he was soon covered in mud so all in all he felt it had been a pretty good walk although he still doesn't like the bath afterwards. Have you ever tried sharing a bath with a reindeer?
I promised to get a transatlantic reference into this week's post and facebook gives me the opportunity. Our dear friend ML wrote "Owww my latest piercing is infected. I shot pus across the bathroom. Yuck!". Not the image I recall of a young lady who used to babysit for Neil Diamond's family. Maybe this is some new kind of chemical warfare to be used in Iraq or Afghanistan. Get better soon ML - and I won't ask where the piercing is

More facebook problems

"What' this? how do I do that?, why did that happen?, where's M....?, have you read this?, why did she say that?" You may recognise some or all of these, as will any harrassed parent, but this time they come from a 54 year old facebook child. Sometimes I can ignore it but this time I gave in and tried to find an answer to these questions of universal interest the consequence of which was that the dinner burnt to a crisp. Pork steaks and roast potatoes were salvagable but the carrots and cauliflower were beyond redemption. Worry not, we rustled up some alternative vegetables and you will be pleased to know that we didn't raid the reindeer supplies.
It's firework night (ssssss), they seem to go on for a week or longer these days. Lots of flashes and bangs going on as I write with Hugh the reindeer cowering behind the table, but otherwise he has been pretty good this year. Friends who went to big shows last night came home soaked through. Their evening was made even worse by the burgers from a nearby stall which were so "fresh" that the beef patties were still frozen. Maybe they were supposed to put them on the
bonfire to cook.
Exciting week as one of the elves escaped to Bristol with friends. It was the first time he had ever taken his sleigh (the blue one) on the motorway but he seemed to cope very well and returned to the grotto safe and sound a couple of days later. I think he is off to a display this evening with mates and with a clear sky they should get a good show. That said, the colours would have to be quite spectacular to beat some of the autumn displays at the moment.
Worried about Christmas this year. So many people moan to me about the recession and they are going to cut back or even cancel Christmas this year. Humbug I say! Where would we be without Christmas? - more to the point where would I be without Christmas? The worst possible outcome of the recession, having to sell off the sleigh, making the elves redundant and I cannot even brinig myself to think about what would happen to the reindeer. Hugh would of course stay with us as a family pet. So whatever may or not be in your purse make Christmas special this year - Santa needs the work!